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My last comment on Wiscon, Elizabeth Moon, and the Islamic Community Center
I have been, more or less compulsively, following the blog postings and debates, from both sides of the issue, precipitated by Elizabeth Moon’s September 11 blog post. Moon, as everyone on earth and most of the extra-galactic sentient universe now knows, objected to the Cordoba Initiative’s plans to build a Community Center near “Ground Zero” in New York.
That led to a furious uproar in the blogosphere about Moon’s “bigotry against Muslims,” and that led, ultimately, to Wiscon rescinding Moon’s invitation to be a Guest of Honor at the 2011 convention, and that led to an immediate backlash about Moon’s mistreatment by “leftist” elements in fandom, and that has led…
…to me feeling extremely depressed.
I’m a communicator. That’s why I write. That’s why I perform. That’s why I do art. It’s not about me. My deepest yearning is to connect with other minds and spirits, and I just hate, hate, hate it when I have to admit to myself (and I often do) that all communication is futile. I hate it when all minds are closed. I hate it when everyone in a conversation is being totally non-rational, totally self-justifying, totally self-righteous, totally dismissive and contemptuous of the opposing view. I hate it when I know that I’d be utterly stupid to say a single word, when I know that the last thing this sloshing mud puddle needs is another foot stepping into it. I hate it when the only response I have is a logical, reasonable, non-partisan one, and I’ve learned from long experience that when debates are this furious, the worst thing you can do is be impartial. “If you’re not for us, you’re against us.” *sigh*
It’s been a severe distraction. Over and over, I started to write responses and then stopped in despair. If I couldn’t say anything…if communication and reason were unwanted and worthless, and would only make matters worse…what could I do?
Tonight I saw a link to a blog piece by Michael Moore, which included a link to the Cordoba Initiative’s website. I went and took a look at it. I was very impressed. I want to support what they’re doing.
So I donated some money to them. If the Community Center gets built, that’s great. If not, they sound like they’re doing some really wonderful work, and they can use my money for any of it.
I feel a lot better now. I’ll stop feeling so frustrated that I can’t say anything about Moon, or Islamaphobia, or any of the roiling issues. This is a much more practical and concrete way to express where I stand in this controversy.
You can donate, too. Cordoba Initiative
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Tagged cordoba initiative, elizabeth moon, wiscon
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Conceding with grace
I have many thoughts about the controversy involving feminist science-fiction convention Wiscon and its decision to rescind its Guest of Honor invitation to Elizabeth Moon. I’m not going to discuss this topic directly right now–it’s much too large and tangled an issue to address simply, and I do not have the investment in Wiscon that others do. I have never been to a Wiscon and never plan to attend one.
However, the controversy has made me reflect on my own recent decision to recuse myself from an organization which I realized I had been taking advantage of–more thoughtlessly than dishonestly, but it still presented me with a small crisis of conscience.
In early 2008, I joined Broad Universe, an organization that was founded at Wiscon in 2000 and which, to quote its website, “is an international organization of women and men dedicated to celebrating and promoting the work of women writers of science fiction, fantasy and horror.” Note that it says, “women and men.” The FAQ further explains, “Anyone — man, woman, transgender, people of color, people of pallor, cats, Martians — anyone who shares that interest is welcome to join us in the bright circle. We are not a women-only organization.”
I joined at Level One membership, and I participated in Rapid Fire Readings, book information and/or sales tables at conventions, and the members’ book catalog. When I say, “participated,” I mean that I pitched in as a volunteer, almost immediately. I organized and emceed the first Rapid Fire Reading I took part in because there was no one else to do it, and I helped staff the tables at conventions. I sold an article to the Broadsheet newsletter, and I volunteered to do a fairly large research project, going through issues of Locus magazine collecting statistics on male and female writers who were listed and reviewed in the magazine.
I’d read the membership information, but I didn’t really think about it. I had lots of friends in Broad Universe and I volunteered to help out with their work because when I join an organization or group, that’s what I do. I think it’s accurate to say that, entirely aside from dues, I put as much into Broad Universe as I got from it. I’m even part of the informal local chapter, New England Broads, which does local group readings and other events.
Then, last year, Broad Universe hired me to redesign its three-fold flyer. In the course of doing that, I went over the website and printed materials very carefully–much more attentively than I had done before. At that point, I found myself with a moral dilemma.
The membership page of the website says, “Anyone can become a Level One member, but because of BU’s mission, only women may participate in the BU catalog, group readings, BU book-launch parties and similar marketing efforts. The rest of the Level One benefits are accessible to all Level One members.” In the section about eligibility for the book catalog, it says, “We jokingly say that if you use the women’s bathroom, you’re automatically in the catalog, but of course, that’s too facile and not entirely accurate. Still, if you self-identify as a woman, this is the place for you.”
That’s the phrase that jerked me to a dead stop. I don’t self-identify as a woman. Not at all. In fact, I identify so strongly as non-gendered that I refuse to answer gender questions, or lie, have written letters of complaint to companies that made gender information mandatory, and refuse to wear certain female clothes, like skirts or high-heeled shoes. This is a huge matter of principle for me. Certainly, life has denied me most of the “universal experiences” which are considered part of being female, and which are a source of bonding for nearly all women.
So I wrestled with this question: was it fair for me to continue enjoying the benefits of an organization founded specifically to support women writers, just because I can “pass” as female? Wasn’t it hypocritical of me to deny a female gender identity and yet quietly allow others to assume I had the same rights that they have? Whatever the reasons (and I’m sure they’re complex), I haven’t experienced most of the negative effects of sexism that so many women have suffered. I didn’t need Broad Universe–not the way real women writers do.
I pondered this for several months, and I almost resigned from the organization. But I value my friends there, and I still wanted to support the work it does. So, I renewed my membership at “Level Two,” which only includes the benefits which are open to non-female members. I no longer read in RFRs, although I’ll organize and emcee them, and I don’t put my books out for sale on the Broad Universe table. I’m not entitled to do those things. Broad Universe is for women writers, and I can’t insist that I’m not female and then conveniently pretend I am whenever I can get something by doing so. I’m a slave to my principles. It’s a horrible curse.
It’s a small thing, compared to what’s been going on with Wiscon and Elizabeth Moon. But some commentators have raised the question of whether a person with opinions so strongly at variance with the stated mission of Wiscon should, in all honesty and integrity, accept a position of honor from them. I can’t go so far as to say, “Elizabeth Moon should have had the grace to withdraw her acceptance as Guest of Honor, when it became apparent that her sincere views conflicted so violently with purpose of the convention and the feelings of its members.” That decision is between Ms. Moon and her own conscience.
But I know what I would have done.
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A 1950 PSA about prejudice from Vincent Price
(AUDIO ONLY)
This speech concluded an episode of the radio mystery series, The Saint, titled “The Author of Murder,” in which Vincent Price played the character of detective Simon Templar, created by author Leslie Charteris. According to The Saint on Old-Time Radio, this episode was originally broadcast on July 30, 1950. I couldn’t find any record of who wrote the episode, however.
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Purplewashing the Pain
Let me begin by saying this is not intended to be a criticism of anyone else’s choices. I’m simply explaining mine.
I will not be wearing purple tomorrow. I will not be pasting whatever-it-is meme into my status line, or retweeting any affirmative statements, or changing my icon colors, or anything similar. The fact is, I’m very ambivalent about this whole “Spirit Day” campaign.
I’m genderqueer and pansexual. I believe that I was born the wrong gender. My inner conflicts and the confusing messages they relayed to other people have created huge problems for my entire life.
I was bullied from my first day of school, every single day. I was bullied verbally, physically, relentlessly, cruelly, and mercilessly. Teachers disliked me and my peers loathed me. My family and teachers told me that it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong, that I was “doing something to make people treat me that way.” One guidance counselor that I went to when things got especially brutal in junior high school told me that I couldn’t deal with “teasing” because I was “immature.” (He said that repeatedly. Maybe I was immature, after all, I was 13.) My home life was…let’s just say, “angry.” I didn’t fit in with my family and they thought I was being difficult on purpose. So I got the same treatment pretty much twenty-four hours a day, at home and away from it.
The bullying slacked off in high school (partly because my family moved across country when I was 15 and broke the continuity). There, it simply turned into total social ostracism. I had no real friends. I never dated anyone. I was absolutely and completely alone in the world. That’s how I felt.
Unlike some people whose posts I’ve read, I have no triumphant stories to tell of prevailing over my persecutors. I don’t want to talk about the details of my experiences at all–I don’t even want to think about them. Suffice it to say that there is not one moment of my childhood, adolescence or early adulthood that I would willingly live over again, for any reason whatsoever–I don’t even want to remember it. I never turned the tables, or showed everyone up, or got back at my tormenters. I simply survived. That’s as much as I can say. I kept my head down, my attention on my own goals and concerns, and endured, like a marathoner who keeps on going through blinding rain.
What did all this teach me? It taught me to have no expectations of other people. It taught me to have no feelings, or at least, to keep them to myself. It taught me to be completely self reliant–spiritually, emotionally, and in everyday life. It’s very hard for me to ask for help, and I can never quite get past the conviction that no matter what happens to me, there isn’t a single person on earth who gives a damn.
That is what years of continuous abuse does to you. And it doesn’t go away–ever. Scars don’t. You’re burned into a new shape by the fire of your pain, and you’ll keep that shape until the day you die.
I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy, and I don’t expect anyone to understand. I know that nobody can. I’m just telling you how it is.
This is why I just can’t get on board with a campaign which promises, “It gets better.” I wish I could say that. I can’t. It’s not always true. And the last thing I would do to someone in pain or desperation is make a facile promise that ends up being a lie–no matter how well it’s intended. Bullied kids already hear more lies than they can handle. They’re lied to every day.
It might get better. It might not. Depending on who you are and where you live, it might get worse.
But here’s the thing, and this is what bullied kids really need to hear.
You can get better. You can become stronger, and wiser, and more resiliant, and smarter, and more creative. Because some other things that I learned from what I went through is that I didn’t have to care what other people thought, and I didn’t have to kiss ass, or worry about whether anyone liked me, or be the kind of person someone else wanted me to be, or get anyone else’s approval. What I learned was freedom. Without that, I couldn’t have found the courage to discover my true inner self, and completely reconcile with it, and make peace with who I was. Without that, I couldn’t have done all the cool things I’ve done with my life. Freedom can be lonely, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the alternative.
So, yeah. I can’t say to any bullied teen, or persecuted person of any age, that it “will get better” or they’re supported or they’re not alone. None of those things was true for me, and they’re not going to be true for many of those struggling with abuse, and I will not tell lies.
But I will say: “Things happen for a reason. You’re being tested. You can survive. Don’t let them define you. Don’t let them win. Don’t give your life to the forces of evil.”
Will that help?
I honestly don’t know.
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Updates on the last couple of weeks
The last couple of weeks have been busy, but–apart from Albacon, of course!–not in a way that makes for exciting blog posts. Being self-employed definitely makes you all work, no play, and pretty darned dull!
David Burton’s Blood Justice was officially released on October 1, and I’ve been following up with the author’s promotional opportunities, calling bookstores (and Ingram) trying to straighten out confusion about BLUM’s books being returnable, filling orders, and sending out review copies.
I’m doing a big push of review queries right now. It’s gotten much harder to get reviews than it was a couple of years ago. I got all those reviews for Mortal Touch, and now most of the book bloggers don’t even reply to a query. Those that do usually plead huge backlogs of review copies and say they’re not taking any more books. I am getting some positive responses, of course, and I’m very appreciative of those! But I’ve given up even offering review books on Blogcritics. Not one single book I’ve listed there has been requested by a reviewer (and most of the books offered to Blogcritics are never requested by anybody).
I’ve gotten very frustrated with Smashwords, and I’m looking into other alternatives for most of the ebook markets that Smashwords is presently supplying with BLUM’s titles. The fact that I can now easily create ePub editions myself definitely expands my options. I’m using Barnes & Noble’s new program, PubIt!, to put titles in Barnes & Noble’s ebook store. I’m going to sign up directly with Kobo as soon as I work out their exacting metadata requirements. The Smashwords editions that took so long to appear on Kobo still don’t show up on Borders, so we’ll see if I have better luck supplying titles to Kobo myself. Apple requires you to have a Mac or use an aggregator, but Ingram supplies Apple so I have an application in with them. The only thing I’ll continue using Smashwords for is (hack, ptooey!) Sony, and as far as I know I’m not selling any books there, anyway. Of course, Smashwords takes so long to report sales and update our account balance, Sony could have sold dozens of copies and I won’t even know about it for months.
I wish I could get into Fictionwise, because they supply ebooks to libraries, but BLUM doesn’t meet Fictionwise’s volume requirements yet (>25 titles from >5 different “professional” authors, whatever that means).
Turns out Lightning Source does do direct deposit. I couldn’t find anything on their website or in the ops manuals–then I was checking my daily sales, and I noticed a tiny little text link at the very bottom of the Publisher Compensation Report page: “Direct Deposit Form.” Talk about subtle! It’s a PDF form that you have to manually fill out and mail or fax in. I’m tellin’ ya, Lightning Source has not quite made it into the 21st century yet, sheesh. But I’ve faxed the form in.
Minor annoyance du jour: every single blippin’ online retailer has different maximum and minimum size requirements for cover images. I have to rescale new cover images every time I create a new account! Thank goddess for Photoshop. (Actually, thank goddess for Creative Suite CS5. I don’t know how I was managing without it!)
I heard from a former co-worker that the battered women’s shelter where I worked from 1996 to 2006 was closed down a couple of weeks ago. It had been in operation for around thirty years. I don’t know any further details, but I’m not surprised. The agency itself had merged with another non-profit since I left and was no longer an independent entity–now I’m not sure what its status is. It’s kind of a shame, when there’s more need for shelter space now than ever, but it was a horrific place to work. It’s still a funny feeling to have outlived the place! I did so much maintenance and repair work there, I knew both buildings (there was a house and a big barn) almost as well as my own house.
The outdoor watering situation here in Pepperell has not relaxed, and the latest news is that all this part of the state is under a drought advisory and the outside water use ban may continue through next spring–which totally sucks for people with gardens. I really will have to divert all my gray water…if I’m still here, that is. (More on that in a moment.) Even though it’s October, we haven’t had a hard frost, and the tomatoes are still covered with green fruit. When they get pinkish I bring them in and put them on the windowsills, where they ripen amazingly well. The silly peppers, after doing bupkis all summer long, suddenly started setting fruit last month and are covered with baby peppers. I’ll let them grow as long as possible, and I’ll actually eat some peppers from my garden–for Thanksgiving, the way the weather is holding! I’m still eating fresh basil from the basil plants although they’re just about done; I’ve gotten spoiled rotten, I’ve never grown basil so successfully before! The marigolds are still huge and flowering like mad, I practically have a marigold hedge. I’m waiting for a couple of hard frosts to pull the carrots and see what I’ve got. I’m actually thinking of asking to borrow Dad’s electric leaf blower (gasp!) because the raking is just too daunting this year. Besides…I can’t use the hose to clean off the top of the greenhouse, *grump*.
I am thinking, however, very seriously, of moving closer to Dad. I’m thinking about it so seriously that I’ve progressed beyond real estate listings to reading up on town bylaws and zoning districts so I can be sure to find a place where I can continue running BLUM as a home-based business (not a big problem, as far as I’ve found), and I’m checking options for things like high speed Internet and phones. I’m still exploring logistics and “outside the box” solutions, but it’s gone way past a casual idea.
Two Blockbuster movies I just finished cycling to and mailed back: Me and Orson Welles and Sherlock Holmes. The first one is a quirky little period piece with some very good acting; the performers who play Welles (Christian McKay) and other members of the Mercury Theatre, like Joseph Cotton (James Tupper), are downright spooky in their spot-on impressions of the originals. I knew the backstory of this film (Welles’ production of Julius Caesar) from the American Experience documentary, “The Battle Over Citizen Kane,” so it was a lot of fun to see this fictionalized version (and the recreation of the legendary stage production itself). Sherlock Holmes was…eh. I found it so boring, it barely got me through cycling. I like Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law, and unlike some people, I didn’t find the movie’s take on the characters to be all that revisionist with respect to the original stories (in which Holmes is athletic, physical, earthy and very odd, and Watson is a fit former soldier and a fairly brilliant doctor, not a fat dummy). But I’m so sick of Irene Adler being stuck into every single Holmes redux, and the storyline, for me, was poorly paced and dragged miserably. YMMV.
I just got a review copy of The Lost Boys: The Thirst, so I’ll be cycling to that next!
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New posts on BLU~Media Blog
I’ve put two new posts on BLU~Media Blog that may interest people.
“Remembering a passion for reading”
“Paper book lovers, put your money where your mouth is!”
Please comment, pass the links on, tweet, and so on if you like them!
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My Albacon 2010 Convention Report, in detail
For the most part, I enjoyed Albacon. Socially, I had a very good time. I’ve got lots of friends in the Albacon community and if I hadn’t been so crazy-busy on Saturday, I would have enjoyed that aspect of the weekend even more. Professionally, the event was something of a mixed bag, and validated the decision I made, at the end of 2009, to pull back from most conventions (or take on a different role, as I’m doing with Readercon) until I have more professional cred built up and am better known via other media.
under cut because this is a long report
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My Albacon schedule, with details and comments
This coming weekend, October 7-10, is Albacon, in Albany, New York. If you’re a writer, aspiring writer or avid reader, this is the place to be on Columbus Day weekend! There’s a reception on Thursday evening, and the convention opens with an all-day Writers’ Workshop on Friday. Here’s what I’ll be doing at Albacon, with descriptions and other participants. All of this is subject to last-minute changes, of course–it’s a convention!
Friday
6:00pm
Squire, 60 mins
Out of the Word Processor and Into the Bookstore
(Moderator)
You’ve sold your manuscript and signed the contract. What happens to your book now? Learn all the steps of a book’s journey from author’s submission to readers’ hands, as hardcover, paperback and ebook editions. It’s a long road with more twists and turns than you might think, especially in the digital age.
with Ron Miller (Artist Guest of Honor), Ian Randal Strock
Saturday
12:00pm
Squire, 60 mins
Vampires: Sparkling or Bloody?
Vampires: rotting corpses who feed on human vitality or dreamy sparkly beautiful mopey demi-gods? Discuss.
with Susan Hanniford Crowley, Elizabeth Darvill, Jackie Kessler (Moderator), KT Pinto, Morven Westfield
(I almost recused myself from this one. I get so exasperated by all the misinformation that gets repeated over and over and over about vampire folklore and fiction, I tend to make an obnoxious ass of myself on vampire panels. I was really hoping I would be assigned to moderate so all I’d have to do is ask questions and smile. With friends and BLUM’s newest author on this panel with me, I better be nice! 🙁 Maybe I’ll just put my foot in my mouth before I talk.)
1:00pm
Albany, 60 mins.
Broad Universe Rapid Fire Reading
(Emcee)
Readers: C. Margery Kempe, K.A. Laity, Roberta Rogow, Morven Westfield
A “rapid fire reading” is the reading equivalent of the tapas bar–delight your ear’s palate with a varied sampling of short excerpts by members of Broad Universe, the only organization dedicated to supporting and promoting women writers of SF/F/H.
4:00pm
Albany, 60 mins
Solo Reading
I may read from more than one work, and I may read an excerpt from my work-in-progress, All the Shadows of the Rainbow and invite comments from my listeners. I’m still putting it all together, though!
7:00pm
Squire, 60 mins
Connecting with Readers Workshop
What does it take to reach readers? How do you cultivate a relationship with your fans?
with Stella Price (Moderator)
8:30pm
Con Suite, 2 hours
By Light Unseen Media Meet and Greet
By Light Unseen Media takes over the Con Suite to celebrate a great year in 2010 so far, and our newest release, Blood Justice, by David Burton. We’ll have some good food, a little music, books, conversation, and BLUM authors Inanna Arthen and KT Pinto (if we can coax her away from the Masquerade!). Drop in and say hello!
11:00pm
Town, until whenever
Steamy Romance Reading
The stories don’t have to be scorching, but it helps! This is a 18+ event. Attendees will have the chance to win some swag thanks to Authors After Dark.
with Kimi Alexandre, Susan Hanniford Crowley, Bianca D’Arc, Elizabeth Darvill, Kayleigh Jamison, C. Margery Kempe, Jo Lynne Valerie, Kit Marlowe, Stella Price, Morven Westfield
(It sure does get hot in Albany on Saturday night! We’ve all got some juicy pieces to read, so bring a cold drink along!)
Sunday
11:00am
Town, 60 mins
Small Press: The Good, the Bad and the Surprising
(Moderator)
As the dinosaurs of publishing lumber along wondering about this ebook thing, are the nimble mammals of the small press your best bet?
with Bianca D’Arc, CJ Henderson, David Hartwell, Peter Prellwitz, Michael A. Ventrella
(I am totally unbiased and objective about this topic. No, really. Switzerland’R’Us. And if you believe that…:-) )
All information about registering, hotel rooms (rooms are still available), and the complete program are on the Albacon website. Hope to see you there!
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Okay, now this is so typical…
This was a tweet, but I didn’t just retweet it because it called for some comment. First, take a look at this amusing little webcomic, “The Oatmeal.”
What your email address says about your computer skills
Cute, yes?
I have every single one of those emails. My own domain–well, THREE domains, each of them with multiple email accounts, all of which I use–gmail, (plus my readercon email which is a gmail subset), hotmail**, yahoo** (two of them!), and yes, even aol, or technically now, aim, a really old account from back in the 90s that I abandoned for about eight years and then discovered had never died…so occasionally I use it for something*.
And I have more besides those (like my verizon.net email). And I use them all.
What does that say about me??
a) I’m a hopeless geek
b) my eyes glaze over and I turn into a mindless zombie at the sight of a registration page
c) I’m plotting world domination with all my secret identities (all those people you think are in Congress? They’re all really ME!!! BWA-hahahahahahahaha!!!!)
d) I’m really typing this from a third-floor cold-water walk-up in Russia whence I create spyware and trojans for a shadowy organized crime syndicate
e) I’ve just been on the ‘Net wayyyyyyy too long
*That one actually belongs to one of my fictional characters, the one that got so cocky and wouldn’t let me kill him. Don’t give your characters their own email. It’s scary. He’s immortal–not a vamp, just immortal–and so is his email account! 8-(
**Let me add that I never owned a Compaq, although I’ve used them, and the last time I typed in all caps, it was so long ago, computers didn’t have lower case. No, srsly. *wry smile*
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